Tiffany Stories FINAL

So, Tiffany tells me that Nick is in the hospital. Next day she tells me that he's home because he just had some torn ligaments in his knee. He's been home for two days. I point out that the day before she said he was in the hospital. Well...it turns out that he was home from the accident with the torn ligament when he went roller skating down the stairs. Huh. This is like the 12th time he's torn that ligament, you know. He does it ALL THE TIME.

So, then she tells me that Nick is going to be moving away for a month. He's going to Africa. Then he is going to Australia. Oh, no. What is Tiffany going to do? He was set to leave the very next day. (I guess his ligament healed again...) So, a few days later she tells me that he is in Australia and there is an issue. He knows someone in Australia. His one true love, Shiela lives there! She moved away when they were eight years old and  he has loved her ever since.

So, Tif said that everything would be ok as long as he didn't see her. Well, guess who picked him up from the airport? That's right! And guess who he's staying with? Right again!! So, Tiffany dumped him. The next day, she came into work and told me that they were getting married and it gets worse. Shiela is pregnant. It turns out that she had come to the US to visit Nick a few weeks ago and of course, Tif wasn't told. Three days after that, Nick called and wanted to call off the wedding with Shiela because he realized Tiffany was the one for him! He asked her to marry him instead, she had to say no and vowed to never see or speak to him again.

Well, this concludes the Tiffany stories. Shortly after this installment I stopped working with her. I saw her a couple of months later walking through a parking lot and pulled up next to her in my car:

Me: Hey, Tiffany!

Tiffany: Oh, goddamn it.

I feel this exchange was a fitting ending/description of our interaction with one another. I will be putting these posts in their entirety on a separate page on this blog in case anyone ever wants to read it all in one place. Thanks for reading them!

Tiffany Stories Part 13

Tiffany and Nick have gone out a couple of times. He had her over to his house where he cooked Chinese food. She says that it smelled great, but tasted terrible. I was out of work for a couple of days and when I got back she had very bad news. Nick was in the hospital!

Here's how it went down: Nick went skiing in Toronto. Why Toronto when there are plenty of great places to ski much closer? Who knows. While he was in Toronto his cousin died. His cousin's name was Ansil Erkil. 

Me: Did you just say ERKIL, like from "Family Matters"?

Tiffany: Yeah. He hates that show.

Me: Is he clumsy?

T: No, he's depressed.

Me: How did he die?

T: He killed himself.

Me: Because of the show?

T: No, Okapi, he drank himself to death.

Me: Why?

T: Because that's how he always said he would kill himself. He's been saying it since he was eight.

So, Nick had to stay an extra couple of days in Toronto because that's where Erkil lived. You can imagine my surprise when the next day Tif told me that Nick was home. I asked what happened with the funeral. She said that it turns out that Erkil had faked his death! 

I asked how and she said that it's really quite simple. He has a friend that works for the newspaper and wrote a fake obituary. (I know that's not how it works, but you know...this is Tiffany we're talking about.) Two of his friends called his parents and told them that he was dead, go look at the paper. So, then everyone believed it to be true until he showed up and let them all know that it was a lesson. They should care more about him. 

When Nick got back into town, he called Tiffany to go see him. She asked her parents permission and drove over to see him. He lives an hour away and she got there at one in the morning. They then played soccer. In the yard. In the dark. She said that it was fun. His friend Steve hit on Tiffany and Nick punched him in the face. Tiffany headed home and Steve drove drunk and caused the car accident that sent Nick to the hospital.

Tiffany Stories Part 12

Tiffany: So, I met this new guy and he's great!

Me: Awesome!! What's his name?

She pauses and looks off to the right. Her eyes slowly turn back toward me and she says "Nick?" 

Wow. This is very creative. Is this why her last boyfriend had three first names (one of which being Nick.)? Is it possible that all of her creativity has been sucked out by this imaginary world and as a result can only think of five total boy names? So, she goes on to tell me that Nick also goes to Eric and Angela's therapy sessions. I mean, of course he does. Everyone goes to their COUPLES therapy. I asked why and she told me that he has to give Eric a ride as his car is gone. Angela blew it up. But, don't worry!! Angela didn't have to go to jail for it because her dad is a cop! Well, she did have to go to jail, but only for a few hours. So, Nick drives Eric to therapy and in the midst of all this relationship bliss, Tiffany decides to hook up with Nick. Well, to be honest, Nick wants to be with her, but she's just not sure. The problem is that Nick takes Eric's side and Tif takes Angela's side. So, it just might not work!

The next day, Tif comes into work and says "Guess who showed up at my house last night?" That's right everyone, Nick! (And Angela and Eric.) Angela has suggested that she and Eric go on a vacation. Well, no one knew what to do, so they sought out Tif to solve the horrible dilemma. 

They all showed up at her house, but just Nick walked in first. Of course Tif assumed that he was alone. (Did I mention that Tif lives with her parents AND her grandmother?) So, then when the other two wandered in, Tif was very upset. They told her about how Angela wanted to go on vacation and Eric wasn't sure it was a good idea. They did know however who should make these types of decisions in their marriage: Tiffany!

So, Tif told them to call their therapist and ask her. Just as Eric was about to call the therapist, Tif's phone rings and it's the therapist!! Eric and Angela had given the therapist Tiffany's number "just in case". So, Tiffany picks up the phone and the therapist says "Are they with you?" And of course they were there! 

So, she gives Eric the phone and he tells her the whole story and she asks to speak to Tiffany again and asks Tiffany what she thinks they should do. Tif of course tells her that she is not a therapist. The therapist replies that Tif knows them best and would know just what to do. So, Tiffany said that she just wanted them to leave her alone. They went on vacation and in fact left that very night!

Tiffany Stories Part 11

Tiffany: There was a dog in the wedding.


Me: What?


T: Her name is Consuela Margarita Clarissa.


Me: Oh.


 So, the wedding happens and all is well. A few days later I see Tiffany and she tells me that the honeymoon only lasted two days. I asked why and she told me that they had college. I let her know that it was February break that week. She stared at me and said "Yeah, well, they have to prepare for school..." She walked away and rang out a customer.


When she returned, her game face was on again. She let me know that the honeymoon was supposed to be a week. The reason that it was cut short was the fighting. Tiffany then let me know how the fighting began BEFORE the wedding.  Here's what happened:


A couple of days before the wedding (while Tiffany was running around preparing the wedding) there was a situation at Barnes and Noble. Tiffany was there getting a book for the bride about...weddings when she saw Eric (the groom) at the book store with his ex, Karen. Eric dated Karen in high school. Everyone thought that they would be together, like forever, ya know? 


So, Eric was at Barnes and Noble drinking coffee and talking to Karen. Tiffany hid and watched them. Eric handed Karen a wedding invitation! He was specifically told NOT to invite her by Angela. So when he handed the invitation over to Karen, Tiffany took a picture with her camera phone and sent it to Angela! 


So, after the wedding everything got bad. When they returned home Karen left a message on Eric's phone. It said "I love you. I have always loved you and we should still be together." Since Eric and Angela have the same phone, Angela heard the message "by mistake". Clearly, Tiffany did not take voicemail codes into consideration when telling this story…


When Tiffany went to lunch with Eric he told her about this situation. Tiffany told him to erase the message. He asked what the point was as Angela already heard it. She said "No! You must erase it immediately!! Erase it!! It's the right thing to do!!" It turns out that Karen also sent a text message saying to leave his wife for her. Thanks to this Karen issue they are not speaking to each other. Well, that and they're having problems in the bedroom. So, they decided to go to therapy. Guess who has to go to therapy with them? That's right! Tiffany goes to therapy with them. 


I asked why and she told me that she is their common ground. Wow. They have been together this long and Tiffany is their common ground. Huh. Maybe she's right, they shouldn't have gotten married.  The next time I saw Tiffany she said "Okapi, there is a new man in my life!" Thank God.

Tiffany Stories Part 10

Last Friday* I'm standing at the service desk refilling a display when I look up to see Tiffany writing feverishly on a post-it note. There are three post-it notes spread out across her check-out lane. She looks up, closes one eye, looks at the ceiling with the other eye and begins to mumble to herself and count invisible items out by poking them with her pen in mid air.

I stare for a moment and then the inevitable "Hey, Tiffany! What the hell are you doing?"

Tiffany: I am planning a WEDDING, Okapi.

Me: Who's getting married? 

T: A friend of mine named Eric and his girlfriend, Angela. They are getting married on Sunday, so I don't have much time!

Me: THIS Sunday?

T: Yes. 

Wow. Tiffany has two days to plan a wedding! It's a good thing that she has Sunday off! I ask what she has done so far. She has the dresses being made, the flowers ordered, the venue set-up, and now is doing the last minute stuff. What a miracle! A 48 hour dress maker!

I see Tiffany again on Monday and she tells me that the wedding went great. It was in Buffalo. The bachelor party was on Friday night which Tiffany planned, of course. She drove up to Buffalo directly after work. (Note: Tiffany has never even driven on the expressway much less the thru-way as she is deathly afraid of high volumes of traffic. I know this because I had to drive her to our work Christmas party.) 

Her job during the bachelor party was to keep all of the men in the hotel room as the women were staying in the same hotel. Saturday everyone had to wake up at 4AM to go on a boat ride and watch the sunrise...IN BUFFALO IN JANUARY. Tiffany reports that it was quite cold. Everyone had breakfast and then the rehearsal took place. After that there was the bachelorette party. 

The wedding day was almost a disaster! No one could find the brides dress! The bride called Tiffany and asked if she had the dress. She did not. Tiffany called the bride's mother who also did not have the dress. She then called the groom's mother just in case she had the dress. She also did not know where the dress was. Tiffany then called the bride and told her to check the "Bride's Room". It was there. 

Why the hell was everyone calling each other if they were all in the same hotel? Why wouldn't one assume that the dress was in the "Bride's Room"? Especially if that someone was Tiffany who told the dressmaker to put it there? Then there were the bridesmaid's dresses. Some were too long, some had missing buttons, and some were too short! Tiffany called the dress maker and she rushed to the hotel. She did not mind as she only lives in Rochester.

The bride got cold feet and was hiding in the hotel. The groom got cold feet and was hiding under a table in the banquet hall where the reception was to be held.

*This was clearly many last Fridays ago...

Tiffany Stories Part 9

Tiffany: So, I had my phone off, right? And then I turned it on to get a call from...my mom. I had 8 voice mails! They were all from Tre.

Me: Wow! What did he have to say?

T: The first message was "Hi". The second was "Hi Tiffany, it's me" The third was "Hi Tiffany, it's me Tre." You know it kept getting longer. The eighth one said "Hi Tiffany. How have you been?"  Melissa found out that he had been cheating on me when they first got together. She freaked out and dumped him. He now realized how much he missed me. He said that if I didn't have a boyfriend, he wants me back! He said that he would be in town for Valentine's Day and wanted to see me.

Me: So?

T: I erased all of his messages. I am done with him.

Me: Wow. 

T: Then my phone rang and it was him. I picked it up and he said "Tiffany, look behind you." I did and there he was!! He had roses and a bottle of wine!

Me: Where were you?

T: (blank look with pause) I...was...in my car! I had just pulled into my driveway. He pulled up behind me and got out of his car with the wine and roses.

Me: That's fucking crazy, man.

T: So, I took the roses and threw them on the ground. I stomped on them. I took the bottle of wine, opened it, and dumped it on him!! My dad told him that if he ever went near me again, he would be shot. 
(Where did she get the goddamn corkscrew from??)

Me: So, that's it? You're done?

T: Yes. Then I called his mom and told her. She told me that she would disown him. She is done with him because of what he did to me. She is going to have me take his place. She loves me.

Tiffany Stories Part 8

Tiffany: It was just terrible!

Me: What was terrible?

T: THE DATE.

Me: What happened?

T: We went to the movie and it was awesome!! Then we went to his house and he made me chicken parm.
(Yeah, so, it used to be veal.)

Me: What did you have with the chicken?

T: (blank look)...asparagus?

Me: that’s disgusting.

T: No, the asparagus was fine, but I've had better veal at RESTAURANTS. (Now it's veal again. This is strange.) We had wine with it. (It was originally champagne, but, you know, whatever...)

Me: Oh no! That sounds terrible!! How did you ever survive that date?

T: (glare) I'm not done. After dinner we went down to the basement and played Operation and Life!! 

Me: Hahahahahahahahahhahahah

T: What? I love those games and so does he!! What is so funny?

Me: Um...you’re 21 years-nevermind. Go on.

T: Then we started kissing and

Me :( disgusted look) dude.

T: He is a terrible kisser. And he was feeling me up the whole date. We're over!!

Me: How did he take it?

T: He doesn't know, but he will be crushed. 

After this I didn't see her for a few days because we were short on payroll. When I saw her again I asked if she was seeing anyone new. She said that she was avoiding romance as she now wants to move out of state. I was crushed. So, I thought "it's ending. Oh, no. This is terrible." Again, I didn't see her for days and when I did she was quiet. No stories. No nothing. And then I worked with her today. As soon as she saw me, she said "guess who I heard from." 

I said "Tre?!"

"Oh, yes and have I got a story for you." 

Stay tuned!

Tiffany Stories Part 7

Tiffany: I have a date with Kyle tonight.

Me: who is Kyle?

T: I went to high school with him and he's had a thing for me ever since. We were in marching band together!!

Me: Oh

T: We dated for a week in high school, you know? We went on a haunted hayride together. He was tin man and I was Dorothy.

Me: Why did you break up?

T: He was a senior and I was a junior. It just didn't work. I went to his graduation, though. He even went to mine and I didn't even know that he would be there! I came out of my house crying and there he was! He came up, put his arms around me and said "its okay, baby. I've got you." It was sooooo romantic.

Me: Why were you crying?

T: High school was over! I wasn't ever going to see my friends again!

Me: I don't get it.

T: ANYWAY, we are going to see "28 dresses" tonight. (Note: did I get that title right? I have no idea and have never heard of this 'dress' movie.) Then we are going back to his place where he will make me veal parm. with goat cheese and champagne. I've never had goat cheese.

(WTF? champagne with veal parm.? That is ridiculous. Clearly Tiffany knows nothing about culinary accompaniment.)

Me: Wow.

Tune in next time to see how the date went!

Tiffany Stories Part 6

So the news is that he isn't coming home after all. He is staying in South Carolina. Now Tiffany thinks that he might be cheating with Melissa. Melissa is a friend of his roommate. Actually Tiffany met her while Tre was in town. She is beautiful, you know. 
On Tiffany's birthday Tre didn't even call! He sent her a text message the next day saying "sorry I missed your birthday, hope it was a good one." They spoke on the phone the day after and she tells me that he tried to e-mail and IM her on her birthday and neither worked!  Oh, no!! The internet must be broken!
She was so upset telling me about this that she decided that she had to break up with him. The problem is that she couldn't call him immediately to break up with him. He was at work. I asked where he worked and I got a blank look followed by "near the college."
"You don't even know where he works?! Seriously?" 
"Okapi, he has SIX jobs. I don't know which one he's at right now!" Huh. Six jobs, school, AND polo! I'd forget to call someone on their birthday, too! 
The next time that she worked she told me that it was over. He was cheating with Melissa. She wasn't surprised and anyway she had already burned everything that he had "ever" given her. There were two teddy bears and some flowers he had given her for her birthday. Wait! He never sent her anything for her birthday!! When I mentioned this she simply replied "They were delayed two days because of the storm." So, that's the end of Tre. Don't worry, Tiffany wasn't too upset. She already had a date lined up for the following night with Kyle. If you want to know about Kyle, stop back by. 

Tiffany Stories Part 5

"It said 'He got the rock'!!" 
I'm staring at her in disbelief. She smokes crack? This explains everything. Now I will have to drug test her and fire her. Then she says "He got the ROCK!? Okapi! The engagement ring!! And it is HUGE!! It could break my wrist." 
OK, so here's the thing: How does she know it's huge? How did she get the text message? How did she know it was the wrong number? Why does his sister know Tiffany's phone number? And how does Tiffany know that the sister has a friend with such a similar phone number? I chose question one.
"Well his great-grandmother was married 5 times. And each ring will go to a different family member!" 
This clarifies nothing except that his great-grandmother is a whore. "Haven't you guys only been dating two and a half weeks?"
"Okapi, I didn't say that I was going to say yes." 
The next day, Tiffany asks an 18 year old associate if she will be considering marriage and children when she turns 21. Children? 
Myself and another associate ask Tiffany if we will be invited to the wedding. She said that I am a "probably maybe" and the other associate is a "maybe-maybe". Is there going to be open bar? Yes, for two hours. 
"You know, Okapi, I do think he's the ONE."
So, on the day before her birthday, she tells me that Tre missed his plane. She was at the airport for FOUR hours!! She was an hour early with breakfast "like a good girlfriend".  She saw that his plane was delayed and waited. He never showed up. He finally called with the bad news. Tune in to the next chapter in the Tiffany Chronicles to hear the bad news. 

Tiffany Stories Part 4

As Tiffany's birthday drew closer, she decided to tell us that Tre would be flying back to Rochester to celebrate. I asked what he looked like. She said that he has dirty blond hair with blue, red, and green coloring. He plays in a band!! He plays guitar and drums. Did you know he plays classical piano?! He played Mozart for her and she didn't even fall to sleep!! (Which is amazing as she always falls asleep when people play Mozart!!) He can also waltz very well. Uh...yeah. She knows this because they waltzed at his great 
grandmother's birthday! 

He has 2 sisters and 1 brother. He has a step-mother named Lakisha "She's WHITE, Okapi."  "I didn't ASK, Tiffany."  

He has a step-father named Stan. So, I ask her to bring him to work. She says, NOWAY!! You will embarrass me!!" 

I tend to get this a lot.Yup. I sure would. I'd ask him how the Polo point system works to be exact. So, instead of pushing the issue and saying something misleading like "no, I would never do that!", I say "yeah, I would, so just bring a picture."

He has a phobia of CAMERAS. No really! He's had it since he's a child. It's not funny! 

While Tiffany is at her register and all of the rest of us are gathered in the back of the store discussing the Tiffany Story, another amazing thing happens: Tiffany receives a TEXT MESSAGE!! (I'm not sure how she   knows this since her phone was locked up in the break room, but I digress.) When I walk back to the front of the store, she looks all worried. I ask what's up and she tells me that she got a text from one of Tre's 3 sisters. He has 3 sisters and 2 brothers! They're just like the Brady Bunch!

"Uh, didn't you say that he had 2 sisters and 1 brother?" 

"Yeah, I did. That's because the other 2 are way older and no one talks about them." 

Nice save, Tiffany, nice save.

"So, anyway, I got this TEXT MESSAGE. It was from his sister. She meant to send it to her friend whose phone number is only 2 digits away from mine!" To find out what it said, tune in to next installment!!

Tiffany Stories Parts 1 and 2

So, there's this girl at work named Tiffany. She has a pretend boyfriend. Not the sort of pretend boyfriend that gets talked about all the time around here, but a REAL pretend boyfriend. She actually made him up. Actually, to be fair this is her second pretend boyfriend. The first one's name is Tommy. About 2-3 weeks before Christmas, Tiffany told me about her boyfriend, Tommy. She said this while I was holding a TomTom GPS system: "TomTom? Yeah, that's my boyfriend's name, Tommy. Hahaha...he's kind of like a map."