Weasel Chronicles Part 1

This okapi used to know a weasel and these are the stories from that time period. I hope you enjoy :)


In some of these stories you'll hear me say “when the Weasel had her money” or refer to someone as “acquaintance.” She received a legal settlement every year for four or five years to the tune of $26,000 per year, so that would be when she had her money. The money came in a lump sum each year and she would run through this money in less than three months.


An “acquaintance” is anyone who showed up in her life the same week as her check, chilled till the money was gone and then pretended she wasn't alive (every year for 4 years). I was fortunate enough to experience all of these adventures. “How does someone run through $26,000 in a few months?” You may ask. Did she put a down payment on a house? Pay off an apartment for a year? Buy a reliable car? NO. This is the Weasel we’re talking about. Here' an example of the sorts of things she'd blow cash on: 


You know how bars that gets free display bottles from liquor companies? Well, the Weasel goes into a bar with an acquaintance and the girl likes the “magical bottle with the lightning”. The bartender, of course, says it isn't for sale. Then the Weasel puts $500 down on the bar. She comes home and tells me about it with a smug look on her face. I call her a fucking idiot. She takes this personally and stomps out of the room. I would take it personally too, if I was a fucking idiot. 


Or, how about the time the Weasel bought a used Monty Carlo. I know, you're thinking that buying a car is a good investment. This is only true if A) the car works and B) you have a driver’s license. It didn't work and she didn't have a license. The guy who she bought it from was asking $800, and was willing to drop it to $600 since she was a young girl. She talked him up to $1200. Why? That's how much she felt it was worth.